Man Worried about Warning on Snack

Construction worker Stan Willard, 38, was on his lunch break when he opened the lunch pail his mother had packed him earlier in the day. Nestled amongst the saran wrapped sandwich and sweating water bottle, right beneath the note written by his mum, there was a small packet of peanuts.

Inspecting the wrapper, Stan noted that it was from a popular nut company, featuring the beloved bespectacled Mr. Peanut.

Upon a more thorough viewing of the product, he spotted the small white label on the back of the popular salty legume product, featuring a bold printed: WARNING: CONTAINS PEANUTS.

Willard was instantly suspicious. “I mean, why would they tell me that? Isn’t it kind of obvious by the giant ‘PEANUTS’ printed right on the front? It’s like they’re saying to me, ‘Congrats moron, you picked the right grocery item.’ Like, what are they playing at? I’m no idiot.” Willard continued, “I mean, if it said something along the lines of: WARNING: CONTAINS CYANIDE CAPLETS, well then, maybe I might be worried.”

Willard shook his head, at the same time popping another peanut in his mouth and chewing slowly. “Maybe you ought to tell your subscribers: WARNING: YOU’RE READING AN ARTICLE.”

Wife Discovers Husband's Been Dead for a Week

Idaho native, Katherine McClain had no idea her husband, Jack McClain, had in fact been deceased for nearly a week. He had remained seated in his favorite chair for days before Katherine had any reason for suspicion.

Katherine works as a nurse and frequently works long shifts in the Emergency Ward, while her late husband, Jack, remained unemployed.

Of course Katherine acknowledges there were some clues, however nothing seemed out of the ordinary to her. “I come home from work every day, sometimes at odd hours. He’s usually sitting there in front of the television set reclined in his armchair and watching NASCAR. I tell him about my day, and he just listens and doesn’t interrupt. He was always a good listener.”

Due to Katherine’s struggle with an acute Sleep Apnea condition, the two have temporarily taken to sleeping in separate rooms. It was not uncommon for Jack to fall asleep with the set blaring and remain in his armchair for the duration of the night. The next day, Katherine would leave early to get into the ward and attempt not to wake him.

“The smell eventually got pretty bad, but sometimes that happens. He sits in that recliner of his and eats, and eats, and eats, and also he doesn’t have the greatest hygiene.” Katherine urged her husband midway through the week to “get off his arse and bathe.” When he didn’t respond, Katherine assumed he was giving her the cold shoulder. She then stormed off and made use of the neglected shower.

The trash remained piled up, the clothes were unchanged, the husband was unresponsive, a stench filled the air, and yet, nothing was out of place.

How did Katherine eventually discover that her husband had passed on then? Twinkies.

Thursday afternoon McClain ran her weekly grocery errand, where she picked up a box of Hostess Twinkies. The following evening, on the hunt for a satisfying midnight snack food, she encountered the box. Unopened. Suspicions arisen, she ran outside to unplug the satellite dish. When Jack failed to respond angrily to the outage, she called 911. Of course, it was too late to save her husband, who medical examiners identified as having departed that previous Sunday.

New Release from Glade Plug-Ins

Glade spokesperson Geoffrey Archer announced Friday the arrival of the newest member of the S&C Johnson and Son Company. Due to the popularity of the brand’s fresh oil scent releasing devices, as well as high demand for energy efficient products, the latest addition comes in the form of Glade Plug-In Suppository Fresheners.

The concept behind the device is quite simple, explains Archer, “The capsule is a small oil infused system that dissolves when inserted into the rectum.”

Geoffrey suffers from Restless Flatulation Syndrome, and decided he could utilize the company’s products in a way to help both himself and others with similar unfortunate circumstances.

The device, once inserted, stores its fragrance until the tremendous moment of breaking wind. Avid consumer of Glade, Melinda Ways, applauded the efforts. “My husband used to not even want to sleep in the same bed with me. Now, whenever the room starts to get a little stale, he’ll beg me to cut another one!”

Plug-Ins come in various scents such as Lilac, Morning Dew, and Vanilla. For the more masculine shoppers, New Car and Fresh Pine will also be available.

Says Geoffrey, “We’d like to make this a year-round thing, and as such we’ll also be releasing a holiday line: Pumpkin Pie, Apple Cinnamon, Gingerbread. We like to keep things seasonal.”

Johnson and Son is thrilled to be taking part in the modern natural gas powered revolution.

Archer closed his speech with the famous words: “Plug it in, plug it in.”

Man Realizes Entire Life Hasn’t Been a Dream

Cliff Roberts, 43, of Phillipsburg New Jersey finally came to the halting realization that his life for the past 20 years has in fact NOT been a bad dream.

Roberts explained his life as perfect. “I’m married to the love of my life, Brazilian lingerie model Rosa Carlota, with whom I share my brilliant son, Jamie. We live together in a lush penthouse on the upper east side of Manhattan, where I own my thriving photography business.”

Roberts suffers from Acute Delusional Dream Disorder, or ADDD, a perfectly common mental development for men approaching middle age. According to psychiatrist Dr. Emmet Franklin, Roberts’s progressive case was resulting in a reversed perception of dream and reality. Apparently Roberts perceived his waking life as a simple night terror. Throughout the interview, he pinched himself at intermittent moments to assure himself that he was awake.

The reality described above by Roberts is actually the conceptual perfect dream-reality he had created. In actuality, Roberts is in the process of undergoing a painful divorce process in a custody battle over the couple’s aging Scottish terrier. His soon to be ex-wife requested the separation after having grown tired of his frequent Brazilian model wife antics, as well as the repeated shouts of, “I’m ready to wake up now!” His lush penthouse residence is currently in the form of a 20-year-old sofa bed occupying the corner of his parents’ attic throughout the duration of the divorce settlement.

Roberts admits that adjusting to reality is quite a shock, and he confesses he still feels a tender spot for his fantasy wife, Carlota.

Alternative Energy Harnessed by Teenagers Saying 'Like'

With energy resources growing scant and expensive, researchers at Massachusetts Institute of Technology have been looking into more accessible forms of power. On Tuesday the team released the product of its work begun in the spring of 2008.

Leader of the project, Thomas Marks, says that he came up with the theory one day while driving his daughter to dance practice and she was telling him about her day.

That's right; the outcome of research is a recording device that can be placed near a teen's mouth and has the ability to convert the word 'like' into usable energy. Test subjects include the Saint Joseph's cheerleading squad. Captain of the 3 year national champ team, Jessica Bradley told reporters, "I was like, totally blown away. Like one day at lunch I was like talking to my friends, and I just like hooked up this thing to my iPod and like, by the end of lunch, it had like a full battery." Over the course of the five minute interview, Jessica was in fact able to power a microwave set on high for up to a full minute.

The device, which will be available for public consumption by the end of this year, is light and portable. "The idea," Marks says, "is that you can just wear it around and over the course of the day, or simply during a dinner conversation, enough energy can be produced to take a break from more harmful power sources."

Through tests, the research team's data has shown that the amount of energy harvested does reach its peak at sleepovers as well as times when new gossip is released.

People Excited About New Thing

A line expectantly waiting for a new thing to be released earlier this day stood wrapped around up to five blocks outside of stores around the country. This thing, which the creator assures is, “so much better than the old thing. It’s faster, it’s shinier, it’s newer,” drew a crowd of loyal thing fans.

Chicago resident Keira Blanchett had apparently camped out the night before to secure a spot in the front of the line for the store’s opening. Keira, who hurriedly burst into the store at opening time to snag the new thing, was eager to speak with reporters about her purchase. “I’ve been waiting forever for this to come out; I have the old version, but as soon as I heard about the new release, I just had to get it.” Flashing the thing for cameras, she explained that the new version makes the old look ancient. “Now that I have this one, I just can’t imagine how I made it with the old kind!” She laughs.

Although the new thing does have some glitches to work out which the old one had as well, crowds rushed out to get the new thing before it was sold out.

Says creator of the thing, “We’re really pleased with this piece. We think it will be a long-lasting hit amongst our clientele.”

Customers not only clamored for the shiny new thing, but also accessories and cases to keep it in.

Although pleased with the upgrade, later this afternoon when the company let slip that the next thing would soon be replacing the version released earlier that morning, buyers soon posted the older new version onto eBay and other popular consumer sites. Says Blanchett, “I thought this was the greatest thing ever, but you can bet that I’ll be out there for the release of the next thing. I can only imagine how much greater it will be than this version!”

Siamese Twins Agree to Spend Some Time Apart

Any unfortunate soul with a sibling will eagerly inform unwilling only child passerby of “how lucky” they are to not carry the constant burden of a brother and/or sister. However, Chicago Siamese twins, Michael and Owen Daniels, would be thrilled to explain just how fortunate such sources are.

Finally after 26 years joined at the hip (literally), the two have agreed to take a break. Owen explained in an interview how he is “tired of being Michael’s right hand man.” Ironically, Owen resides on the left side of the conjoined sibling’s body.

Michael requested less dramatic steps than a surgical separation, justifying, “Just in case we want to get back together, because even though we may be splitting up, we will of course still be friends.” Owen grudgingly agreed to a contraption encircling the duo’s hip and rigged with a curtain between.

Owen is eager to meet new people as an individual, while a less enthusiastic Michael explained how he has already signed up for yoga and art classes to explore some self discovery.

When questioned about the separation idea, Michael interjected that “It was a mutual thing of course.”

Owen proceeded to roll his eyes at reporters and said, “Oftentimes I just want to strangle him, ya know? But then I realize that would be kind of hard to do with only one arm… Plus he’s my brother and all.”

Pillsbury Dough Boy Loses it After Kid Pokes His Belly for the “Last F@$&ing Time”

The beloved brand icon and mascot of the Pillsbury baked goods company finally reached the inevitable celebrity dark moment. Doughboy, 46, was emerging from his upend Manhattan penthouse on his way to his dispensary of choice for some over-the-counter hangover relieving medication. Doughboy had spent the previous evening at the Premiere Opening of a new line of Pillsbury products, and later joined friends Tony the Tiger and Quaker Oats Man, sources report. Still feeling the effects of the evening’s celebratory alcohol binge, Doughboy was not in the mood for tummy poking.

Unbeknownst to tourist James Hill, 4-and-3-quarters, who proceeded to walk up to the lovable pastry symbol and swiftly finger tap the hung over icon. Expecting to hear the jolly “hoo hoo!” laugh, Hill and his mother were shocked at the reaction. Pillsbury Doughboy proceeded to holler at the small child about, “how would he f@$&ing like it if every f@$&ing person in the whole f@$&ing world wanted to f@$&ing poke his f@$&ing belly every f@$&ing day?” followed by a repeated jabbing of the small child’s own stomach.

Passerby stared in shock at the scene of such an innocent character repeatedly abusing a young boy and screaming “how does that feel, huh kid?!” Hill’s mother, while snagging some discounted Pillsbury cinnamon rolls, declined to speak with reporters about whether or not she was choosing to press charges.

Modern Times Lead Superman to Change in Port-a-Potties

With the recent market takeover of cellular telephones, it comes as no surprise that the number of outdoor telephone booths have recently been on a decline. New York itself boasts only a meager 4 remaining.

So what’s a mysterious quick-changing hero to do? According to Manhattan resident, Miguel Rios, port-a-potties are the most recent preferred changing room of the previous Planet Krypton resident. By comparison, such cubicles of excretion are far more numerous than outdated phone booths. Says Rios, “I didn’t believe my eyes at first; I opened the [unlocked port-a-potty] door and there was Superman, with one foot hitched up on the side of the toilet seat, and the other forcing its way into tights.” Rios apologized hastily and remained standing whistling outside of the potty while the hero completed his change.

Finally the fully clothed celebrity burst from the stall, still rubbing anti-bacterial hand sanitizer on his hands (brand unknown). Rios watched as he took off, noting that the idol of so many still had a few squares of toilet paper attached to the bottom of his boot.

Scientists Discover "Happily Married Man" Creature

Resident professors at Johns Hopkins have recently been studying a rare gladly wedded male. Frank Jones, 38, was discovered this previous April grocery shopping on his way home from work. Head of the University’s most recent undertaking, Doctor Bradley Collins, spotted the creature browsing through laundry detergent while Collins himself was grabbing a 6-pack for that night’s game.

So as not to startle the individual, Collins slowly approached, describing the encounter with reporters, “I asked [Frank Jones] what he was doing, and he claimed that he was buying detergent to go home and wash his wife’s clothes.” Collins, shocked at the extraordinary discovery, wasted no time calling his associates who urged Collins to keep the specimen in captivity for further studies.

Persuading Jones with promises of a discount for bed linens at Bed Bath and Beyond, Collins brought Jones to his car (a vintage refurbished Mustang that required many weekends to restore at the expense of time with his now former wife) parked next to Jones’s Odyssey “great for taking the kids to soccer and bringing home multiple bags of groceries.”

Tests are being performed on the specimen, which could be the only of its kind. Lab technicians are attempting to satisfy the creature with a habitat similar to his own home. Student Carla Simmons studied Jones in an unobtrusive manner, sitting with him on a couch in his containment room as he folded laundry. Asking what he would like to watch on the habitat’s flat screen TV, Jones insisted, “Whatever would make her happy,” and gladly relinquished the remote.